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How Not to Get Hired in 2013

The delicately recovering economy notwithstanding, it’s still a helluva time for a person to try and get his ass hired in this country. Better, probably, to simply dig in and not bother.

In that pragmatic spirit of kitchen-sink realism then, here are eight tips on how not to get hired in 2013.

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Get disorganized. Don’t keep track of any job openings that have intrigued you or your progress in applying for them.

Be creative with your credentials. A few more upper-case letters after your name look pretty impressive on a CV. Whether they were legitimately earned or not is immaterial; no one’s going to actually investigate your claims!

Stay in the dark. Avoid any efforts to become informed about a company whose employment potential piques your interest. Don’t bother with researching its background, reputation or the industry in which it participates.

Keep to yourself. This “networking” business is overblown hype. Avoid social gatherings, professional events and, for heaven’s sake, stay off the “social media.” It’s not about who you know, after all. It’s about who you are!

Ignore your soft skills. Employers are interested in your education and experience only. Focus on pushing them, and don’t waste energy on curating crap like communication, teamwork skills or attitude.

• Keep things virtual. These are the days of LinkedIn, on-line job applications and e-mailed CVs, after all. How ridiculous and backward-thinking it would be to seek to separate yourself from the pack with some old-fashioned personal touches, like snail-mail notes or in-person contact. So last century!

• Don’t ask questions. An interview is for an employer to suss you out — not the other way around. Queries like “What are the biggest issues currently facing your industry?” or “What would you consider ‘a good fit’ for this role?” will do nothing to impress anyone and certainly won’t increase your understanding of what the company’s looking for. Speak only when you’re spoken to.

Don’t be a pest. If you’ve had an interview or a conversation with a potential employer, leave it at that. These folks are busy! Don’t jam up their inboxes with post-interview e-mails that punch home salient points. Oh, and there’s no call for handwritten thank-you notes after a meeting, either. Save your stamps and trust that your one encounter was enough to do the trick.

With these tips in hand, you should have no problem avoiding the messy tangle of new employment this year. Good luck!

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